mr. perfect

i did it!  i found the perfect man!

no, wait...that's not quite right.

i found the man who thinks he's perfect!

i stumbled across his profile very early on in my time on okc.  he was cute, very little information listed on his profile so i messaged him (look forward to my post about how i learned to date online: the hard way).  a couple of messages exchanged and i realized i wasn't into him at all.  so i stopped messaging.  evidently, he was not going to accept that as reality so he has been sending me messages to check in every so often.  messages like this one:

"Why are you on so much, and why can't you seem to find a guy?"

isn't he just a sweetheart?  no? 

since our original interaction, he's put more information on his profile.  a lot more.  here are some of my favorite parts, that prove what a catch he actually is (i'm having the hardest time not posting the entire tome here, but i would never subject you to that, darling reader). everything you see below in plain text has been copied and pasted, so i hope you enjoy the typos just as much as i did:

•  the way he feels about online dating: We all know it's an awkward thing to do: to describe oneself online for the purposes of attracting romantic interest. While it's a common cop-out to give reasons why you won't express yourself in lieu of the actual expression, I consider that weak. It's exponentially easier to destroy than to create. For those of us who do have the courage to risk creation and expression here, I respect it. That being said, this exposition is not intended to create romantic interest so much as it is to provide an honest if transparent exercise in insight to the natures of our genders. (it was at that very moment that i knew the rest of the reading was going to be very entertaining.)
• what he has to offer: If you'll pardon me listing some of my desirable characteristics directly, what I offer is someone who is exceptionally intelligent (as objectively evidenced by the highest possible scores on intelligence tests throughout my life, as well as academic college scholarships), exceptionally athletically talented (as objectively evidenced by championships at the highest national levels of multiple sports throughout my life, as well as athletic college scholarships), hilarious and clever, intuitive and spiritual, ambitious and successful, passionate and strong-willed, courteous and well-raised, acute and incisive, witty and spontaneous, reckless and experimental, confident and cogent, well-traveled and curious, tall and not bad-looking. (but certainly not humble, that's for sure.)
•  the type of woman he's into: I am attracted to intelligent, artistic, musical, spontaneous, playful, affectionate, cultured, graceful, beautiful, worldly, artistic, athletic, interesting girls. I am attracted to girls who have something to say, things to teach me, and things to contribute. I am attracted to girls who aren't afraid to make things happen. Brains, character, sexiness. (oh is that all?)
•  the type of woman he isn't into: The sort I'd wish to attract is a rare sort, and only she will understand the widsom of [my profile]. Those who wish to attempt merely to challenge, poke, prod, derail, demote or take exception to me in some way are advised to be cautious of projecting their own faults lest they find themselves encased in a house full of mirrors I will gladly if covertly erect around them. (this isn't his first rodeo.  he knows how to handle the forked tongue woman.)
• what he wants from you, specifically:We can all agree that a woman's shapes are biologically wired into all men as their primary sexual attractor. It's only fair that on an online dating site, every woman should have a head-to-toe picture that shows her figure clearly. Just because you don't like it, or don't want to accept it, doesn't mean it's not true. That's by definition irrationality. (or at the very least measurements.  that's not too much to ask for, right ladies? if it is, you're completely irrational!)
• the first thing people notice about him: That I'm tall, have big eyes, make everyone laugh, and am never outwitted or one-upped. (but again, certainly not humble, that's for sure.)
• his closer: If you are angered by what you've read, and would love to knock me down a peg, that's the sure sign I'm not interested in you, for you've surely missed the subtext here. If you are convinced you know me and how we'd get along based on reading this, please, spare me. However, if you have actually read this far, and you aren't a fatty, you might be a redneck, or my type, or both. (seriously, he used a jeff foxworthy joke from the 90s in his closer?  he's managed to come off as both condescending and cliche. well done!)

i can't find it in my heart to block him, because i fully expect a good laugh every so often when he messages me.  i'll certainly keep you updated when i hear back from him, but in the meantime, i'll leave you with my favorite excerpt from his profile.  enjoy!

"If we ever speak, with voices, on the phone, you will be guaranteed to laugh uncontrollably while simultaneously experiencing the light, sparkly feeling that accompanies novelty in learning, as ideas well-conceived tease and challenge your existing notions with charmingly-delivered actionable information." - mr. perfect