the jokes just keep coming

i guess i look like a girl who likes bad jokes.  got this oldie but goodie in my inbox today:

(it was prefaced by the subheading "a bad joke:" but just saying that doesn't excuse you from telling the horrible joke, IMO.) What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

 har-de-har-deleted.

You Should Message Me If....

You like the fact that I vacuum pantless.

why are you here?

it seems like it has come up in conversation between katie and i a lot recently; messages or interactions with prospective fellows that are completely perplexing.  it has started to make me question the motives guys have when they decide to join an online dating community.  do they even want to actually date someone?

obviously everyone has their reasons for jumping on okc, but i found myself utterly baffled when i was reading this message i received today.  the guy was responding to a message i sent him (10 days after the fact, mind you) and just casually through a massively important parenthetical statement into a sentence.

"I was just in Oakland (I'm moving there in just a couple weeks, BTW!)..."

oh!  that's good to know.  you basically said "don't bother responding to this message" because i certainly don't need any more pen-pals, dude.

i just don't see the point of writing back such a lovely message, in which you talk about meeting up, when you're gonna be an out-of-towner in two weeks. 

any insight into this mysterious male mind would be greatly appreciated.

Wait, Wait : KK here. We always ask one another to edit our posts before they go live. It just so happened that this particular post came at the perfect time as I was just having this conversation OH ALL DAY. 

I was "broken up" with by the writer via an email this morning. I use " " because we'd only gone on two dates so there wasn't really any breaking up to do. We'd had one happy hour and one (amazing and yes, marathon) picnic.

Here's the catch - when we were out, there was a lot of "we'ing" getting thrown around - we should do this, we should go here, we are going to fall in love (ok, I made that last part up but you get it that when the word WE is thrown around enough, that's where a girl's head starts to go....). And I was smitten kitten. And yes, nervous because it did feel slightly familiar - all so easy, all so quickly. And it can be scary but that's why we're here, right? Even with dating Suzy and seeing boys on the side - the ultimate goal is to meet someone that we (gasp) like!

Apparently though, this was not the case with the writer. You see the whole problem is that we liked each other too much. Too fast.

But if you're going to run from that - then yes, I have to ask - why are you here?

We should have been able to step back, and when I say we - I mean him - to realize that we're dating. Just dating. There is no need to talk about kids, a ring, a house - any of that. We've gone on two dates. We're two people who enjoy spending time together. He likes to ride bikes. I like to ride bikes. And he makes a killer PB&J. Beyond that, let's just see where it goes.

And this is why it's worked so well with 12 all along. We see each other once a week, sometimes even stretching to two. We've never had a deep talk about where we're headed (besides the whole let's stay open and honest with one another convo). We are in touch throughout the week, through a text or quick phone call - then we get on his bike, usually eat and drink, let the dogs play and keep it simple.

When things came to an end with Jeff Goldblum a few weeks back, there were no hard feelings for a similar reason. Both of us were incredibly upfront with one another about the fact that we were "short-term dating" so when that term ended, we said our farewells and wished each other well.

The point is : We don't always have to complicate things to the point of driving ourselves crazy. We also don't have to date people that we don't like because it's too scary to date the ones we do.

If you're not ready to date or you're moving...get off OKC. Because even those of us that may not be looking for anything serious, can still get wrapped up and get our feelings hurt. And that's just not necessary this summer.

one of these things is not like the other...

today, katie and i both had candy snacks.  i had m&ms and she had skittles.  then we sent each other pictures. 

this is why we're 100% match.

Highlights of the (Birthday) Week

Last week, KK turned 29. If you survived any number of outings with me, or even just being in the same room with me during the obnoxiousness that is June 7 - thank you and I love you. With a week packed full of drinks, friends and giggles - there was plenty of competition for highlights but I'll have to go with:

Girl Highlight of the Week:

Dinner at Stella's on a cool June night, ringing in 29 years with those who have become my Denver family. With Suzy to my left, we toasted tempranillo wine, dipped bread, stuffed ourselves with pasta and ate cake.

Boy Highlight of the Week:

A picnic in the park with the writer. It was one of those dates that when you're exchanging emails, you say 'We should make PB&Js, drink wine and ponder life.' I can tell you that rarely those dates actually happen and instead, turn in to drinks in between meetings. But with the writer, of course it would happen. Gordon it tow, we arrived to the park, found a tree and set up a picnic that would last the entire afternoon. Filled with great conversation and promising plans - it was the perfect first date at 29.

you should message me if...

you know the difference between "your" and "you're".  and you look like ryan gosling. 

suzy, your eyes are so beautiful.  i think you're perfect for me.

clever?

i got this message from a guy today:


"Q: Why did the scarecrow win first place? "

and i must admit, i'm intrigued.  i like punny guys (pun + funny) and this is a tactic that i haven't seen before.  so, good job guy...but i still don't want to message you back.

does anyone know why the scarecrow won first place?

(update 15 minutes later)
i googled it.  not even a good joke.  "he was outstanding in his field."  does that work on girls?  or even worse, do i seem like a girl that would work on? 

(update 24 hours later)
so i told katie about this message last night and she knew the answer to the joke!  ...because a homeless man on the street told her.   classy.

mr. perfect

i did it!  i found the perfect man!

no, wait...that's not quite right.

i found the man who thinks he's perfect!

i stumbled across his profile very early on in my time on okc.  he was cute, very little information listed on his profile so i messaged him (look forward to my post about how i learned to date online: the hard way).  a couple of messages exchanged and i realized i wasn't into him at all.  so i stopped messaging.  evidently, he was not going to accept that as reality so he has been sending me messages to check in every so often.  messages like this one:

"Why are you on so much, and why can't you seem to find a guy?"

isn't he just a sweetheart?  no? 

since our original interaction, he's put more information on his profile.  a lot more.  here are some of my favorite parts, that prove what a catch he actually is (i'm having the hardest time not posting the entire tome here, but i would never subject you to that, darling reader). everything you see below in plain text has been copied and pasted, so i hope you enjoy the typos just as much as i did:

•  the way he feels about online dating: We all know it's an awkward thing to do: to describe oneself online for the purposes of attracting romantic interest. While it's a common cop-out to give reasons why you won't express yourself in lieu of the actual expression, I consider that weak. It's exponentially easier to destroy than to create. For those of us who do have the courage to risk creation and expression here, I respect it. That being said, this exposition is not intended to create romantic interest so much as it is to provide an honest if transparent exercise in insight to the natures of our genders. (it was at that very moment that i knew the rest of the reading was going to be very entertaining.)
• what he has to offer: If you'll pardon me listing some of my desirable characteristics directly, what I offer is someone who is exceptionally intelligent (as objectively evidenced by the highest possible scores on intelligence tests throughout my life, as well as academic college scholarships), exceptionally athletically talented (as objectively evidenced by championships at the highest national levels of multiple sports throughout my life, as well as athletic college scholarships), hilarious and clever, intuitive and spiritual, ambitious and successful, passionate and strong-willed, courteous and well-raised, acute and incisive, witty and spontaneous, reckless and experimental, confident and cogent, well-traveled and curious, tall and not bad-looking. (but certainly not humble, that's for sure.)
•  the type of woman he's into: I am attracted to intelligent, artistic, musical, spontaneous, playful, affectionate, cultured, graceful, beautiful, worldly, artistic, athletic, interesting girls. I am attracted to girls who have something to say, things to teach me, and things to contribute. I am attracted to girls who aren't afraid to make things happen. Brains, character, sexiness. (oh is that all?)
•  the type of woman he isn't into: The sort I'd wish to attract is a rare sort, and only she will understand the widsom of [my profile]. Those who wish to attempt merely to challenge, poke, prod, derail, demote or take exception to me in some way are advised to be cautious of projecting their own faults lest they find themselves encased in a house full of mirrors I will gladly if covertly erect around them. (this isn't his first rodeo.  he knows how to handle the forked tongue woman.)
• what he wants from you, specifically:We can all agree that a woman's shapes are biologically wired into all men as their primary sexual attractor. It's only fair that on an online dating site, every woman should have a head-to-toe picture that shows her figure clearly. Just because you don't like it, or don't want to accept it, doesn't mean it's not true. That's by definition irrationality. (or at the very least measurements.  that's not too much to ask for, right ladies? if it is, you're completely irrational!)
• the first thing people notice about him: That I'm tall, have big eyes, make everyone laugh, and am never outwitted or one-upped. (but again, certainly not humble, that's for sure.)
• his closer: If you are angered by what you've read, and would love to knock me down a peg, that's the sure sign I'm not interested in you, for you've surely missed the subtext here. If you are convinced you know me and how we'd get along based on reading this, please, spare me. However, if you have actually read this far, and you aren't a fatty, you might be a redneck, or my type, or both. (seriously, he used a jeff foxworthy joke from the 90s in his closer?  he's managed to come off as both condescending and cliche. well done!)

i can't find it in my heart to block him, because i fully expect a good laugh every so often when he messages me.  i'll certainly keep you updated when i hear back from him, but in the meantime, i'll leave you with my favorite excerpt from his profile.  enjoy!

"If we ever speak, with voices, on the phone, you will be guaranteed to laugh uncontrollably while simultaneously experiencing the light, sparkly feeling that accompanies novelty in learning, as ideas well-conceived tease and challenge your existing notions with charmingly-delivered actionable information." - mr. perfect 

Highlights of the Week

Suzy and I were drinking wine on my patio last night, discussing the highs (and lows) of the week when it hit me - we should be sharing our highlights here. How could I not have written about when Suzy and I (and Miranda) got rained out of the cruiser ride but made the best out of it by showing up to the Snug in our animal costumes? Or about riding on the back of a motorcycle with 12 as the sun set over Wash Park.

This is what this summer is about.

So every Monday, one, two or both of us will share our girl date (remember, we're dating each other this summer) highlight of the week and our boy highlight of the week.

Girl Date Highlight:

Suzy and I attended not one, but two, concerts together at Red Rocks last week. I thought about listing the highlight as us sitting in the car, drinking wine from a box while eating Cheezballs and talking (see: judging) everyone around us and as much as that was US and who we are - it's hard to top the moment when we were standing together, ten rows from the stage, singing along to Bon Iver's encore. It was one of those moments that I will remember for the rest of my life.

(KK) Boy Highlight of the Week:

Meeting a boy, actually, a (very well-dressed) man - IRL at First Friday. We'll call him Hot-For-Teacher. The night eventually led to him taking Miranda and I back to my place so we wouldn't have to cab it. As he chewed on his toothpick and chatted with us during the drive, I thought to myself - 'Holy, have I found a real life Ryan Gosling in Drive? Except instead of being a stunt driver, he's a teacher? But, seriously, equally as hot.'