Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
one man's opinion
one of my dear friends, another who ventured into the precarious world of online dating, shared with me his thoughts after reading katie's last post. below are his words:
I just read K's update on the blog regarding dating and OKC, entitled, "What Happened To Dating?" Good pondering on her part. I think it sums up WHY I don't like online dating, and why I prefer, and stick to, "real life" dating. With online, it's so easy to meet and just kinda go out with people, and then just drop 'em, knowing that there are others on that site just waiting in line. There is a certain... sterility to it.
It's almost like arranged marriage, for dating:Let's check off all of these boxes: nice photos (where we all start), good job, good sense of humor, tall, short, skinny, shapely (whatever boxes you may or may not care about). And then we decide if He/She is suitable enough to meet us in real life! There's just no dowry at the end, but your mom probably still ends up crying.
I find it hard for that spark to hit in real life, let alone online. I know it does work for some online, but maybe those two people had a real world chemistry and that's why they work. Not because they met online, just because all they had to do was meet and the rest took care of itself.
Like, when I go through a BIG break up, I usually take 9 months to 2 years to find the next "one". I bet that in 9 months to 2 years of online dating, you might statistically and randomly meet a person that you would have that same spark with. But I feel the cards have to be a bit more stacked against you online, because while the profile and chats all look well and good, you can't read intention over the internet.
Make sense?
I'm not saying it's bad, just my two cents on it. There are lame guys (and girls) online and in "real life" settings, no doubt. But maybe when one is going into online dating, the perception is that the man being online means he's fed up with meeting people the normal way and is now on there to find "The One" to settle down with, have kids, or just fall in love with. When, in fact, they probably just want to spend a summer dating their guy friends and seeing girls on the side, they just didn't make a blog about it.
This isn't meant as a rebuttal to what K said, or an answer specifically, just related to her post... just what popped into my mind once I read her post.
And if you're curious, he just met a great girl - about 9 months after his last breakup - in real life.Author's Note after agreeing to let Suzy post this:I write this as a man who has tried online dating briefly at two times in his life for about 2 months at a time, the most recent being this summer. I go on looking for someone special, not just wanting to date women like I'm firing buck-shot at the sea. I always quit after a month or so because I randomly met the next serious girlfriend in a "real life" setting (I like to say "Organically," but Suzy here hates the term). I'm one of those guys who wants to settle down just a tad, have adventures with my wife, and then pile on a few kids when we're both ready. Now I just gotta find her.
What Happened to Dating?
I have a question - when did dating become a death sentence?
No, seriously - we all joined a dating site but then when it comes down to it, it seems that a majority of these boys are just terrified of dating.
I was talking to my friend Bill over the weekend and as a gay man, he hears stories from girls like us all the time. What I didn't realize, was that he was actually hearing the exact same story from all of us. It goes something like this.....
"We've been dating for a few months now. It's been going really well. We hang out 2, maybe 3 times a week. We're pretty much in constant contact via text, whatever. He's met my friends and invited me over to a barbecue at his house with all of his. We laugh, we have fun and we have sleepovers. We seems to be on the same page and I know that eventually - he wants a family - wife, kids, the whole bit, he's told me so. But we hung out last Tuesday and I haven't really heard from him since."
Maybe he's just busy, something came up at work, he's camping. Whatever.
So then you see said guy and the follow-up story goes something like this....
"Since things had been going so well, I just kind of wanted to check-in, see where he was and how he was feeling about things. We're adults, you know - so those kind of things can be discussed. And it's been months, it's not like this is date number two. And even then, I did not ask him to be my boyfriend, much less put a ring on my finger but now, he's just not sure what he wants."
Sound familiar? Well, my exact version(s) of the story go something more like...
"He dropped the L bomb after a few drinks a few weeks ago and when I confronted him about it, he basically took it back. His side of the story is that it's not that he didn't mean it, it's just that he's not ready for everything that comes along with it. But you can't drop the L bomb and continue to casually date one another so I guess that is that."
Or, then, there's this one....
"We hadn't even hung out for a month so I was just happy to see him. It was the end of the date and he was dropping me off. We'd had a great time, he made a fantastic dinner and we caught a movie. And I just love who I am around him, I'm the same with him as I am with you. It's just FUN. And easy. The last thing I was expecting was a talk. I didn't even want to talk! I'm tired of talking! But then, it happened. And before I knew it, it snowballed and I heard the whole 'I'm just not sure....' and I cannot. hear. that. again. so I guess that is that."
So again, I ask this and I also ask - when did dating become a death sentence? You know, girls in their late-20s, early-30s are known to have the reputation of being ready to settle down, husband hunting, crying ovaries, etc. but it seems to me, from my latest dating interactions, that's it's actually the dudes that are putting all the pressure on the relationship.
When I ask you if you want to continue seeing one another, see where it goes, see how it is when guards are down and we don't have to worry about the activity on your OKC account because hey, we're going to give it a shot - I am not asking you to put a ring on my finger. If you don't take a chance, how are you ever going to figure it out?
Bill shared with me that yes, it's the same story from all of his girlfriends and of course, gave me the "it's not you" line but what was really interesting was that he followed it up with a "honestly, I don't even think it's the guys either. I think it's a thing going on in society right now."
So what is it - is it that we have such easy access to the "sea" now thanks to sites like OKC, Match. com and eHarmony that we're just constantly on the search for something better? Is it that we saw our parents get divorced, sometimes multiple times, that took the sanctity out of marriage? Is it that between Facebook and Blogs - we're too wrapped up in our lives and ourselves to remember what it's like to be with someone else and how that can actually be a good thing?
It's taken the fun out of dating for me because ultimately, it seems that it just ends up in the same place over and over again. With that same place being square one. After dates and dates and emotions and emotions invested. You guys, I am the eternal optimist. The fall down five times, get up six girl and I'm questioning continuing this nonsense. And I just referred to something that I've cherished since I was a little girl as 'nonsense.'
What is happening?
No, seriously - we all joined a dating site but then when it comes down to it, it seems that a majority of these boys are just terrified of dating.
I was talking to my friend Bill over the weekend and as a gay man, he hears stories from girls like us all the time. What I didn't realize, was that he was actually hearing the exact same story from all of us. It goes something like this.....
"We've been dating for a few months now. It's been going really well. We hang out 2, maybe 3 times a week. We're pretty much in constant contact via text, whatever. He's met my friends and invited me over to a barbecue at his house with all of his. We laugh, we have fun and we have sleepovers. We seems to be on the same page and I know that eventually - he wants a family - wife, kids, the whole bit, he's told me so. But we hung out last Tuesday and I haven't really heard from him since."
Maybe he's just busy, something came up at work, he's camping. Whatever.
So then you see said guy and the follow-up story goes something like this....
"Since things had been going so well, I just kind of wanted to check-in, see where he was and how he was feeling about things. We're adults, you know - so those kind of things can be discussed. And it's been months, it's not like this is date number two. And even then, I did not ask him to be my boyfriend, much less put a ring on my finger but now, he's just not sure what he wants."
Sound familiar? Well, my exact version(s) of the story go something more like...
"He dropped the L bomb after a few drinks a few weeks ago and when I confronted him about it, he basically took it back. His side of the story is that it's not that he didn't mean it, it's just that he's not ready for everything that comes along with it. But you can't drop the L bomb and continue to casually date one another so I guess that is that."
Or, then, there's this one....
"We hadn't even hung out for a month so I was just happy to see him. It was the end of the date and he was dropping me off. We'd had a great time, he made a fantastic dinner and we caught a movie. And I just love who I am around him, I'm the same with him as I am with you. It's just FUN. And easy. The last thing I was expecting was a talk. I didn't even want to talk! I'm tired of talking! But then, it happened. And before I knew it, it snowballed and I heard the whole 'I'm just not sure....' and I cannot. hear. that. again. so I guess that is that."
So again, I ask this and I also ask - when did dating become a death sentence? You know, girls in their late-20s, early-30s are known to have the reputation of being ready to settle down, husband hunting, crying ovaries, etc. but it seems to me, from my latest dating interactions, that's it's actually the dudes that are putting all the pressure on the relationship.
When I ask you if you want to continue seeing one another, see where it goes, see how it is when guards are down and we don't have to worry about the activity on your OKC account because hey, we're going to give it a shot - I am not asking you to put a ring on my finger. If you don't take a chance, how are you ever going to figure it out?
Bill shared with me that yes, it's the same story from all of his girlfriends and of course, gave me the "it's not you" line but what was really interesting was that he followed it up with a "honestly, I don't even think it's the guys either. I think it's a thing going on in society right now."
So what is it - is it that we have such easy access to the "sea" now thanks to sites like OKC, Match. com and eHarmony that we're just constantly on the search for something better? Is it that we saw our parents get divorced, sometimes multiple times, that took the sanctity out of marriage? Is it that between Facebook and Blogs - we're too wrapped up in our lives and ourselves to remember what it's like to be with someone else and how that can actually be a good thing?
It's taken the fun out of dating for me because ultimately, it seems that it just ends up in the same place over and over again. With that same place being square one. After dates and dates and emotions and emotions invested. You guys, I am the eternal optimist. The fall down five times, get up six girl and I'm questioning continuing this nonsense. And I just referred to something that I've cherished since I was a little girl as 'nonsense.'
What is happening?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
a love song
"cause everybody's needin' what the singers all are singing in a love song."
you know it, kenny rogers.
you know it, kenny rogers.
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